I started praying

And someone responded

When you’re in a dark place, you’ll try some weird, wacky shit to pull yourself out of it. Probably the most surprising thing I’ve tried: prayer. More surprising: it worked.

I have a complicated relationship with religion. I grew up culturally muslim, but not religious. Yet that punishing voice of institutional, patriarchal religion still seemed to permeate every message and program I absorbed as a child and teenager. I grew up living in fear of God, hell, damnation and punishment. I was hyper-aware of a creepy man in the sky who watched my every move and kept tabs on how much good or bad I’d done. I awaited my eternal fate, determined by the SportsCenter-style review of my life when I passed.

Despite absorbing these messages, most of my family were either indifferent or anti-religious. So although my child mind had absorbed this story around a punishing God, another side of me rejected religion. At times, I think I saw myself as too smart for religion, or that I couldn’t be fooled the way everyone else had been.

Fast forward to today. I’m about 5 years into a journey through healing and unlearning, which has, maybe inevitably, led me to spirituality’s doorstep. 

It started with the usual culprits: reading The Four Agreements, taking shrooms, more yoga, more meditation, Joe Dispenza, Eckhart Tolle, Lake Shrine, etc. About a year ago, I started working with a spiritual teacher / coach, who’s helped me hone my practice and hold me accountable. The practice we’ve focused on most of the last year was meditate, journal, set an intention for the day, gratitude, movement, clean eating, and spiritual readings + teachings.

About 2 months ago, I found myself at a major impasse in my life. I could not see the path forward, and my situation felt bleak. My coach suggested prayer. Start asking your guides for help, she told me. Ask them to align you with the things you need, ask them to bring you the answers you’re seeking. Ask them to connect you with things that can help you, and to remove things and people that don’t serve you.

And she reminded me to always thank them.

Despite my spirituality having expanded in the last few years, folding my hands in prayer every morning and night still felt far out there. But again, in dark times you’ll try anything.

So every morning, first thing before opening my eyes I’d place a hand on my heart and a hand on my stomach. Take a deep breath. Thank my higher power for waking me up to see another day, for breath, for life. Then I’d ask. Align me with the answers I seek. Bring me a sign. Help me shift out of this situation into a better one. Bring me money. Bring me a person who can help. Create space for me to rest. Help me maintain my spiritual practice. Help me stay focused. Help me stay away from negative thoughts and old stories, habits and patterns.

I began this practice consistently in mid-July, so about 2 months ago. Here are some of the things that have shown up since then:

• Money to pay off the majority of a massive credit card debt I’d accumulated

• A new, consistent income source (something I haven’t had in almost 2 years)

• BEHAVE going viral on Tiktok, growing our revenue 650%

• A week completely off of work to do nothing

• A newfound energy and motivation for work and life

• Feeling the healthiest I have in years, physically

• New, highly aligned friendships

• Consistency in my spiritual practice

• Paid creative work

• A beach house in Mexico for my birthday

• A clear message in my mushroom ceremony

• So many signs: white butterflies, lady bugs, dead birds, repeating numbers, etc.

I don’t know why this works. If it’s spiritual, magical, psychological. Probably some combination. I’m just kind of at the point where I don’t care. The placebo effect is the effect, right?

Disclaimer: I know nothing, don’t listen to me.